My Ugly Body
I am pretty sure I suffer from body dysmorphia. I am pretty sure people close to me have noticed aspects of it.
Yes, it makes every day a pain. I wake up, and find the closest mirror. As I stare my eyes transform into a magnifying glass. It is an unpleasant and hyper-critical relationship I have with my body - a daily morning ritual. People with body dysmorphia will focus on different aspects of themselves. I tend to heavily criticize my face and all the fat on my body. I think about how surgery can make me look more attractive. Whether it be rhinoplasty, CoolSculpting and buccal fat removal, I have seriously given them a lot of thought. In fact, I want to start saving up for these procedures.
My BMI falls closer to the lower end of what is considered normal. Scientifically speaking, I am a healthy weight. But I feel overweight. The person I see in the mirror is overweight and unattractive. Pesky love handles, abdominal fat, fat on my chest, fat on my upper back. Fat everywhere.
Putting on clothes is a terrifying part of my day if I have to go out in public. I dislike wearing t-shirts. I don't like how they hug my body and draw attention to my back flab and belly. I realized that if I bring my pants above my waist, it tends to hide some of the fat. So I have started doing that. It is not uncommon for me to change my outfit 3, or 4 times until I'm finally comfortable.
I have been eating below my maintenance calories for years now. This has caused a wreck on my metabolism. I eat as little as 1000 calories a day and struggle to lose weight. Sure, it worked for a while as I used to be very overweight - scientifically speaking. But it doesn't work now. But I keep eating less. Hoping to shed 10 or 15 more pounds from my body.
I also exercise. Anywhere between 3-5 times a week, for 45 minutes. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I don't have a good day unless I can get a workout in. I keep expecting my body to change in the ways I want, but it never does. I don't stop in fear of looking worse than I already look.
The worst is when I have to step in front of a camera. The camera confirms my deepest fear. It confirms my ugliness. During an internship I asked my boss for my photo to not be taken. He obliged, although he was confused. I was the only intern who’s photo didn’t get taken. Whenever I see a camera in front of me, a camera I am not in control of, my anxiety spikes. I start sweating, afraid of what truth the picture will tell.
The way I look. The way we all look. It shouldn’t matter at all but my mind can’t move past it.
We, as a society, have put a capital on physical attractiveness.